John's Lawn

Sick and tired of that boring ass 9-5 job that pays you just enough to lay awake at night contemplating your existence? Do you wish you could put a shotgun in your boss’ mouth if only it weren’t illegal? Have you ever fantasized about putting yourself in danger if only you could make 300 dollars in a single hour? Well oh boy, if that sounds like you, you’ve come to the right place. Typical jobs will have you working on their terms, as if you don’t have a life outside of work. We understand that, which is why we give you permission to work whenever you feel like it so long as it works for us.

We at FetchQuest™ are happy to announce that we are currently accepting applications. You may be wondering, “What kind of work will I be doing?” And before we can answer that, we first have to explain who all may be applicable. Below is a list of requirements and precautions that will let you know if you can quit your job to work for us.

• You must be willing and able to drive country wide.
• You must have the money to invest in a completely whited out van.
• You must be able to drive said van.
• High pain tolerance is advised.
• If you do not have high pain tolerance, consider investing in chainmail or some other form of light armor.
• If you do not have money for the previous investment, advil works great too.
• A firm grasp on reality is highly recommended (Though not required.)
• A clear criminal history (Though not required.)
• A stable mental state (Though not required.)
• Strong legs (Though not required.)
• Finally, you must be human.

If you said yes to all or most of our requirements and precautions, CONGRATULATIONS! You are now ready to become a Fetcher.

Now, what exactly is FetchQuest™? I’m glad you asked. We specialize in the transport service of goods countrywide completely free of government jurisdiction. Guns? We deliver. Drugs? We deliver. Uranium? You bet your sweet ass we deliver. If you can think of it, we ship it.

Of course, you won’t be required to purchase any of these items for the customer, the order goes through our dark web site to the suspicious man in an overcoat you see in cramped alleyways. All you have to do is go to them, pick up the item, potentially run for your life, then drive to the customer’s home and potentially run for your life again. Aftrerall, why else would you need strong legs for such an easy job?

If you’re beginning to have second thoughts after reading those last two paragraphs, we understand. Uranium, dark alleys, running for your life, it sounds tough, but don’t worry. All employees receive health coverage as if you had a government job, because we know how to treat every last one of you.

What’s that? Health coverage isn’t good enough for you to risk radiation poisoning? Well don’t worry, we know life is rough, especially in these trying times, which is why our rates for customers are so high. Whether you’re driving five miles, or 500 miles, you’ll be paid handsomely thanks to the loyalty of our clientele. 

We at FetchQuest™ take great pride in the care of our employees, whether it be psychological help, or a limb sewn back on, we have you covered.

Now, we understand the prospect of needing limbs reattached may not be the most appealing, but there’s no need to fear. Most of our clientele are generally safe, and we encourage them to keep our Fetchers safe. However in the unfortunate event any of the following occurs, we here at FetchQuest™ will ensure you are properly compensated.

• Limb detachment
• Radiation poisoning
• Psychological torment
• Skin removal
• Loss of organs
• Spiritual disturbances
• Fingernail removal
• Bleeding from the eyes
• Loss of critical thinking
• Eyeball removal
• Perpetual depression
• Severe anxiety and paranoia
• Precarious legal problems

Rest assured, we’ve thought of it all.

But by now you may be asking yourself, “Is any of this legal? How will I report my income to the government? Is a few hundred dollars a delivery really worth the risk?” The answer is yes, maybe and we’ll figure it out for you. In no particular order. At the end of the day, we can answer any future questions once you’ve signed on as a certified Fetcher.

We know by now you’re practically pissing yourselves to fill out an application and come on as a professional Fetcher. But hold your horses there Billy. There are a few disclosures we must make before we turn you loose; driving excessively fast, blowing red lights and avoiding general vehicle safety trying to ensure you deliver that suspicious bag of cash in your back seat to the man who doesn’t want you to see his face, on time.

Our usual clientele is not what the average person would define as normal. If you recall from earlier in this ad, you must be human to work for us. That is because we do not allow entities, ghouls, witches, skinwalkers, etc. to work here at FetchQuest™. At least, not on the streets. You may ask yourself, “Assuming these things exist, why can’t they drive for you?” Our response?…

Anyway, these entities in question are often who you will be delivering to. While humans do use the services we provide as well, there are alternative options that humans can often use that offer their services for cheaper. This does increase the risk of harm in the above forms as well as others. Which is why you will be so heavily compensated for any work done under FetchQuest™. 

Potential entities you may deliver to include, but are not limited to:

• Intangible entities (Encompasses ghosts, spirits, demons, etc.)
• Sirens
• Skinwalkers
• Wendigos
• Zombified Humanoids
• Witches
• Gods

And pretty much any form of folktale or fairytale creature you can think of, making the prospect of death an ever present concept. We know this may deter some of you, but there is a silver lining in this pool of uncertain death.

For a limited time, we are offering financial support on obtaining anything you find necessary for your journey into this new world you will find yourself in. All you have to do is sign a two year contract saying you will work for us at a minimum of 20 hours a week. Once your contract is up, you will keep any assets we helped you acquire, within reason, as well as a recommendation to a plethora of other companies we own if you so desire. This is not guaranteed and is only possible under specific contracts. You may ask about future jobs during the interview process.

Now, we will address potential concerns we are aware of that may bring some of you comfort. As is always a question in circles of driving delivery services, what happens if you are pulled over during a delivery? Afterall, white vans going 100mph on the freeway is about as far from inconspicuous as one can get. Simply act natural throughout the interaction. If you receive a ticket, at the end of your next delivery simply mail us the ticket and we can take care of the rest.

Regarding being pulled over during a delivery, in the event an officer asks to check the back of your van for any reason, don’t panic. All of our packages are intentionally made as discreet as possible. Whether it be Uranium or human teeth, you can rest assured the officer won’t suspect a thing. Regardless, they cannot legally check your van without a warrant, so avoid the officer looking in the back regardless. 

If they have a warrant and want to see what is in the package, our FetchQuest™ lawyers can get you out of any potential legal problems. Simply use your one phone call at the station to contact us, give us your location, and we will have a certified lawyer to you in under an hour. Under the unfortunate event you are questioned, simply say you refuse to speak without the presence of a lawyer. Afterall, what are they going to do? Torture you?

Now that we have addressed the uncomfortable topic of legal troubles, we feel it is important to discuss package conditions. If for some reason the packaging is compromised, you will be expected to do one of the following: repair the damage to packaging yourself, drive back to the pickup location and get the package repaired there, or you can simply drop it off and hope for the best. The final option is not recommended due to previously stated safety concerns. Afterall, in this line of work, a bad review is the best potential outcome you can receive from an upset customer.

In the event you have upset a customer, don’t panic. Attempt to apologize to the entity in question. If saying “sorry” doesn’t help and/or escalates the situation at hand, calmly run as quickly as possible to your van. It is important to keep your vehicle running during the delivery process in case said entity does chase you. If the package has yet to be delivered at this time, try circling back around and attempt package delivery again. In the event the entity is still chasing you, or appears to still be agitated, feel free to call delivery support and we will aid you accordingly.

If an entity has made its way into your vehicle, retain a calm demeanor. You will not want to show signs of weakness such as: Crying, shivering, mental breakdowns, panic attacks or anything else that will show the entity you are better off as food. Simply ask the entity to leave your vehicle or they will be blacklisted by any and all companies under FetchQuest™. If this does not work for any unfortunate reason, click the S.O.S. signal button that will be found in the employee section of the FetchQuest™ app, and we will recover what is left.

In the event you are still alive by the time our services arrive, you can rest assured no further harm will come to you. Any harm done prior to our arrival will be immediately treated free of charge so you can get back out on the road right away.

We here at FetchQuest™, take pride in the care we provide to our employees. If by now you are still wanting a job, simply submit your resume to us and we will get back to you in minutes with all the details. Get prepared for your next Fetch, and trust us, you’ll need all the preparations you can manage. Get your mental state ready, and you’ll be out on the road in no time.

Restrictions may apply to any humans classifying themselves as spiritual or religious as danger may be more prevalent to anyone classifying as such.