John's Lawn

Before we get into this whole debacle, I do want to address a few things. First off, Jeff didn’t have a funeral, Rachel said he’d talked to her about his, “inevitable demise.” Apparently, they had first met when he was on a contract, they were after the same person, just for different reasons. I’m going to cut some details so this doesn’t take forever to explain, but basically, they became friends eventually. When she noticed his soul was dissipating at a faster rate than normal, she told him about it. According to her, it was around the time of my wife’s murder. After we had decided to raid the bunker, he said that if he died there, he wanted her to use his body for any science she needed. So there was no official funeral or anything. 

Secondly, as far as I can tell, Abraham, as well as other entities have been working for the government for a long time, so I think for whatever reason, Jacob, (the CO,) just had a special loathing for them for some reason. 

Lastly, I have no idea what kind of drugs the Doc gave me. I’m sure most of you who asked were joking, but I think they were probably just some kind of homebrew. 

Back to the topic at hand though, things seem to have picked back up, and have gone from normal to crazy. With that said, please take into consideration that me getting interrogated by a paramilitary group is essentially my normal at this point. Spending every day with Terry and FriendsTM, has just caused a shift, not much phases me anymore. Someone new will be over, steadily dripping fluids, or causing perpetual torment, and I’ll just greet them and sit on the couch, I just don’t notice it. Kind of like how you hear TV static while doing something and eventually it makes its way to the back of your mind and you stop hearing it. Sure it’s still there, but your brain tunes it out cause it’s not important. All that to say, when I saw Terry spending a lot more time on the phone than usual, I did take notice.

“Yo, T-man, who were you talking to?” I asked half sarcastically, but the other half of me was serious about getting the answer.

“Why do you insist on calling me that?” He sighed.

“Why not? It makes you sound badass, y’know liiiike…” I trailed off, jogging loose an old memory, “Right, like Mr. T.”

“Alright man, whatever.” He finished, heading to the couch, promptly flopping on it face first. A muffled groan followed.

Sitting on the foot of the couch, I pressed,“Something to do with that phone call?”

“It’s just…” he sighed, turning his head so his voice wasn’t muffled anymore, “Nevermind. It was Rachel, she made a new discovery while examining Jeff’s body.”

“Is that really all?” I asked hesitantly.

Another groan, “No, not exactly… there have been some problems with the USPM, they’re trying to get me to tell them what happened. That’s what they’re saying anyway, I know they just want me back on their side. Abraham is trying to keep them off me as best he can, but he only has so much power, and so much time.” He took a pause and I opened my mouth to talk, but he continued, “Then I’ve also got Maerod to look into. Don’t even get me started on Sepratine.”

I don’t mean to interrupt this part, but Sepratine is an entity I only recently talked to. She’s another one of Terry’s friends, and based on the stories and the one time I met her, I can basically deduce that she’s, well… I was going to say psychopathic, but based on most of the entities I know, she’s actually on the tamer side of things. Kind of in between Doc and Jacob on the alignment chart. Doc being chaotic good, Jacob being chaotic evil. So I guess she lies more on the chaotic neutral part of the spectrum. So she’s a chaotic neutral humanoid type girl, basically like a Dryad or something like that. I think Terry said she lost her home and hasn’t been the same ever since. Anyway, there’s a quick rundown so you aren’t confused.

“Wait, what’s she been doing?”

“Well, I introduced her to Rachel because I figured they could help each other out. Since Rachel is an alchemist and Sepratine is basically a biochemist, I figured they could learn from each other. But, that was a few days ago, and from what I’ve heard, they’re basically at each other’s throats.”

“Oh? How did you find that out?”

“Well, about an hour after I introduced them, they started calling me. They both gave their sides of the story which were completely opposing each other. I offered to pick Sepratine up but they both refused. I’m telling you, after thousands of years on Earth, I still don’t understand women.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think either of them could really be considered just women. I mean you’ve seen what they can do. As far as I’m concerned, they are as far from human women as you can get.” We both laughed a little. “Besides, it’s not like you’d know what human women are like anyway.” I laughed, but didn’t hear anything from Terry.

Then he chuckled, “Yeah… not at all.”

Just before I could respond, Terry lifted his head, giving me a once over, “So, are you off to an interview or something?”

“We seriously need to have a talk about your abilities when I get back. I don’t even understand how you’re seeing what I’m wearing. But yes, there’s a desk job that I was offered and I have an interview.”

“Might I ask why you aren’t wearing pants?” Terry cocked his head slightly.

“If you must know, the interview is online, business on top, party on bottom. Gotta stay professional afterall.”

“Then what do you mean when you say when you get back?” His confusion was beginning to turn into an interrogation.

“Chad offered to help me out. Build muscle and all that jazz. In his words,” I put on my best Chad impression, “If you can kill a rake, you can kill a human.” I dropped it and continued, “Anyway, he offered to help me get into tip top shape in case I have any other people I need to avenge or something. Do you know anyone who can teach me some martial arts?”

“What about those karate lessons?” Terry asked mockingly.

“Okay it isn’t even funny anymore. I’m being serious if I get in the middle of a throw down, I need to at least be able to pull a sakura and call you for help.”

“I mean, I know a guy, but you’ll want to train with Chad for a bit before even considering it. He’ll run you dry in seconds in your physical condition.” 

“Aaaaaaalright then? Well I gotta get to the interview, see you in a bit.” He waved me off as I headed to my room and sat down at my computer.

I loaded up skype a few minutes early just to make sure everything was working fine. Then, my screen cut to black, and a grizzled brown haired man’s face appeared on my screen. His voice was gruff and Irish, he sounded like he would prefer to be doing anything else aside from this, “Hey there Josep, I’m with the-”

I cut him off, “It’s Joseph. Also, who are you?”

He looked down for a moment, presumably double checking a paper, “Right, erm, Joseph. Anyway, I’m with the organization that contacted you the other day.”

“Riiiiight. Which one?” I asked, perplexed.

“Wait, how many organizations are you in contact with?” He asked, matching my tone.

“No, I mean which organization are you from. But I guess it would be two if you, really wanna, know…” I trailed off.

“The people who took you out for a little interrogation the other day.”

“OOOHHH, you mean the PFBI or FBPI whatever you’re going by? Yeah, I thought we’d settled everything?”

“Keep your voice down and just let me talk you piece shit.” He was talking like this was below his pay grade, “To my understanding, you didn’t want to work for us, but then you turned around and got a job.” He flipped to a new page like everything that had been said up to this point had been scripted, “I understand why you may not want to join us, but would you really rather have a boring desk job than work for us?”

“Hey, it’s either a normal desk job and I get to keep posting, or a paranormal desk job and I have to stay silent. As far as I’m concerned, I will have far more fun flipping you guys the bird, than I ever would working the paranormal equivalent of retail.” Cockiness has been a rather unbecoming trait of mine lately. It always seemed to show up when it shouldn’t.

“Listen here you little shit!” His voice raised and he flipped the page again, “These quote, stories, unquote” Yeah he said it, didn’t even use the hand gestures, “are beginning to make our job a whole hell of a lot harder. We can’t take them down for some reason, and it’s starting to raise suspicion that what you’re saying might be true. If people find out about us, or what we do, blissful unawareness will be nonexistent.”

I cut him off, “Look man, there’s no way enough people are actually going to think it’s real. When it comes down to it, you contacting me is the only thing that’s going to raise suspicion. Wanna know why? Cause I don’t give a fuck about keeping PFBI or FBPI whatever you wanna fuckin call it a secret anymore. Besides, I’m pretty sure one of your guys already popped the cherry on that stuff.” With that, I shut off my computer. Then I realized I was late to the meeting and turned it right back on. Thankfully, he was gone. But, I got an email right as my computer started up, telling me if I couldn’t make it to an interview, there was no way I could handle the job.

I left my room feeling defeated, but at the same time in a state of euphoria because I basically just flipped the government the bird. “Really, still no pants.” I heard Terry say as I entered the hallway.

“Why do you care, you don’t-” I stopped talking as I observed my surroundings.

“Woah there Joseph, did you get that excited when you heard I was coming? Or is this just a coincidence.” It was Megami, immediately after making the joke, it was like she remembered she was supposed to hate me. “Go put some pants on you filthy thinskin.” I immediately ran to my room to do exactly that.

I came out shortly after the blush on my face had gone away. “No heads up or anything? Really Terry?”

“You should really know better than to walk out of your room with your pants off.” Megami lectured.

“What was it you said Joseph? Business on top, party on bottom. I figured you wouldn’t get flustered so easily.” Terry laughed a little too hard at his own joke, and the room fell into an uncomfortable silence.

“Well, why is she here anyway?” I gestured to the only possible person I could’ve been referring to.

“Doesn’t matter. What happened to your interview? It seems like it should’ve taken longer.” Terry said with a hint of disappointment.

“Okay, don’t look at me like that. It wasn’t my fault, it was those FBI jackoffs, they hacked into my computer and interrupted the whole thing. The guy emailed me saying ‘If you can’t even make it to the interview, you can’t handle the job.’” By now, I just felt normal defeat.

“Well, head to Chad’s, maybe getting smashed in the gauntlet will make you feel better.”

“Whatever.” I headed back to my room and got changed. Grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen, filled it up and headed to Chad’s.

On the drive over, I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. The most pressing one being, why was Megami at our place? Of all the time I’ve lived with Terry, she had never actually come over. The only time I’ve seen her in person was when we went to the bunker. Even then, we left from Jeff’s place. So it was weird to see her at our apartment. I mean there must’ve been a reason for it right? She doesn’t seem like much of a small talk type person. In all honesty, pretty much every entity I know isn’t much for small talk. That thought led to me thinking about small talk, which brought me to how Rachel and Sepratine weren’t getting along. Which made me question why Terry introduced Sepratine to Rachel. I mean sure, they both could learn from each other, but it seems a little out of the blue. There were plenty of other small thoughts popping up randomly, but I would probably end up writing a book if I typed them all out. 

I had almost gotten to Chad’s when some jackass decided to run out in front of my car, I slammed on the brakes the moment I noticed, but I still clipped them at about 10 miles per hour.

I rolled my window down, “Are you trying to get run over you fuckin trog!?” I mostly hoped They hadn’t dented my front bumper, then I realized how messed up that was, “You okay over there?” There were no other cars around so I put her in park and got out. “Hello?” I said as I approached the front of my car.

There was a voice behind me, “Well that wasn’t very nice.” The voice was familiar, “I just saw you passing by and thought I could say hello.”

“Why are you always, ‘Just passing by?’ Seriously Jacob, are you following me or something?” I turned around to meet the shadowy figure behind me, “Why are you just out and about in broad daylight anyway.” As I finished turning around I realized he was wearing some guy’s body, “Okay that actually makes a lot more sense. Why isn’t your voice any different?”

“Can we just talk in the car?”

“You make a compelling argument.” I stated sarcastically, “But sure, hop in.” I put my car in drive and continued to Chad’s.

“Do you know what has been going on with Terry?” Jacob cut the silence after about 10 seconds.

“What do you mean?”

“Hasn’t he seemed off lately? You spend the most time with him out of any other person, creature or entity. Haven’t you noticed a change in his behavior?” He seemed genuinely curious, not like he knew something I didn’t.

“I mean, between Sepratine, Rachel and now Megami, I guess he seems a bit different. Why?”

“What does Megami have to do with anything?” He seemed irritated now.

“Why are you so concerned about him? Based on your reaction when Jeff died I didn’t think you had any positive feelings towards, well… anyone.”

“I would say that it’s more along the lines of fear. No one knows the extent of Terry’s power. Not you, the Doc, the government, not even I. But we must ensure he stays strong and gets through whatever he is dealing with. Consider it a warning.” With that, he vanished into the little shadow in my car and left, leaving a pile of skin in his wake.

“WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE LESS CRYPTIC?!” I yelled to the open air as I slammed my hands onto the steering wheel. “Seriously I just need some more details. Is that so much to ask for?!”

I pulled into the driveway about a minute later, “Why is Terry the only one without a big house?” I asked myself under my breath. Getting out of the car, I began making my way up his driveway.

“Dude, welcome to my castle! Come on in!” Chad was already at the door, waving me over. When I got over to him, he continued, “I have a meal prep for you and everything. Plus, I got the weights set up for about how much I thought a human could lift.” I just followed him in, thankfully he was actually wearing clothes this time.

“Great, thanks for having me.” A few moments of silence passed, “So uh… how long do you think this’ll take?” I asked, a little skeptical.

“I don’t know, like 30 minutes. Hour tops… probably.”

So, three hours later, I was barely managing to walk out of his personalized gym. I continued coughing, “Yeah, I think I just worked out muscles I didn’t even know I had.”

He started his very Chad-like laughter, “Duuuude, I don’t think you’re gonna be walkin straight tomorrow. Or for the next week.”

“Holy shit, I think I’m going to die. Which arm goes numb when you’re about to have a heart attack?” I took a breath in, “Nevermind, they’re both numb. I think… I think this is it.”

“Calm down dude, you aren’t gonna die. I mean probably not.” A worried look came across his face, “Wait, you might.”

“This really isn’t helping. Can I just, I don’t know, lay down or something?” Next thing I know, I’m waking up on my bed. “Uhh… Hello?” I asked my empty room, “Anyone there?” Wait, why was I talking to my room, why am I not sore?

I turned to my right to see the Doc, “Ah, you’re finally awake.” I started laughing hysterically, “What is it.” He sounded annoyed now, but I had absolutely no cares in the world.

“Y-You reminded me of that guy,” I did my best impression, trying not to laugh, “Hey you, you’re finally awake. You were trying to cross-”

He cut me off, “Now I see why Terry asked me not to give you anymore medication. I suppose it wasn’t made for humans though. If Terry were here I wouldn’t have to deal with you right now.”

That sobered me up just enough to put a serious face on, “Wait, where is he?”

“Oh that’s not good. I figured you would’ve known. When I brought you here I realized we were alone. No Terry in sight.” He sighed deeply, “I need to go make a few phone calls, you stay here. You’re too high to be of any assistance.”

That was the last thing I remember before suddenly realizing I was watching a show. I had no idea what it was, but apparently I had sat there for 30 episodes and I didn’t remember a second of it. I paused it and got up to look around. I was definitely sore again, so I must’ve been sober. I knocked on Terry’s door, “T-man, you in there?” I could hear a groan from the other side of the door and then a cough. It sounded like Terry, but Doc was the one who opened the door.

“Come in, he’s sort of alright.” Megami was passed out on the bed, laying next to Terry. They both looked like they had gone through a cheese grater.

“What, what happened here?”

Rachel spoke up and I just now noticed her and Sepratine standing next to each other in front of the closet, “We don’t exactly know. We heard a knock on my door and when we checked who it was, we found them laying there. Neither of them have woken up yet so we don’t even know what happened.”

Sepratine voiced her concerns next, “I’ve never seen him torn up so bad, whatever did this was extremely powerful. Perhaps reaching up to god levels.”

“Hold on, what do you mean by god levels? Are you telling me there are gods or something?” My voice was periodically squeaking like I had become a teenager again.

“Well, that’s what they call themselves. They’re all just very powerful entities. No one is quite sure how or why they became so strong. But they are the only ones I can think of that could have done something like this.” She sounded almost scared.

“That’s going to take a bit to process, so I’m just gonna say neato. So why haven’t you guys fixed them up yet?”

The Doc answered me this time, “We’ve done what we can, all that’s left to do is wait for them to heal up.”

“Well, this is all fine and dandy, I’m going to my room to question life. Would any of you fine lady’s like to join me?” I asked the question in my fanciest fancy voice. They just shook their heads in disapproval as I went to my room alone. 

Neither of them have woken up yet, and it’s been a couple of days now. Thankfully that dickwad didn’t hack into my computer with my latest interview so I managed to get a job which I will be starting tomorrow. I will update you all again when something new comes up.